Pregnant Men & Singing Potatoes

I saw a comment recently about the singer Sam Smith looking like a potato in a négligée and, indeed, I could see the uncanny resemblance. It did seem Sam was harnessing his inner solanum tuberosum and I wondered what pronoun Sam adopts in his, her, their, its tuber mode.

Following a quick fact-check with BBC Falsify & Verify, it seems Sam’s new identification is Spud; such a cute, sensual moniker to reflect his gorgeous nature and alluring persona. He’s sporting the latest in zip G-strings with a transparent net-curtain wrap-around and such a delicious touch of silver stars delicately hiding his/ her/its/their nipple modesty. Yes, apparently men can have babies and potatoes do have nipples. Spud’s new backing group The Nuns of Perpetual Debauchery are a fun troupe fresh from a tour of libraries and primary schools where young minds are being transformed and transitioned from their previously tedious and dull routine of the 3 R’s to new experiences of universal liberation, possibility and a seemingly endless range of lip gloss.

Schools are running a competition to collaborate with Spud Smith on new lyrics for his forth coming as yet unreleased material. Though not yet perfect, Spud has shared an exclusive for TAP to give us a taste of things to come…

Spud Smith is our muse
His potato curves thrill and amuse
His eloquent poise for all girls and boys
And those out between can just simply choose
Today I’m a vegetable
A potato called Spud
We must stop poor cows chewing the cud
They’ll blow and they’ll blow
From the end that we know
That naughty meat’ll have to go
It’s unholy I know
Of course we don’t rhyme
Least not all the time
Of course potatoes have nipples
And not only that
We even delight when covered in raspberry ripple

Er, yes, as stated, working progress, but how honoured we are to have exclusive access to Spud Smith’s inner workings. There are rumours that some critical voices have commented, that’s crap, but we live in liberated times where ideas and standards are flexible and fluid and one man’s crap is another’s subliminal massage of the egotistical.

Spud Smith is rumoured to have spawned a new potato and some say this may be a sneak glimpse of Spud at feeding time. We hasten to add, the authenticity remains unconfirmed…

Some say this is plain child abuse, but the music industry is far too highbrow to concern itself with mere prejudice, judgement and accusation. Should any of you have been living under a rock and not realise what has left the likes Beethoven, Brahms and List in its wake, I offer you an example of Sam Spud’s supreme talent:

Once upon a time all this would have been the thoughts of warped imagination. Alas today, it’s not far from the truth. Uncle Zebedee, I think it’s time for bed and let’s see if I when I wake up, this was all just a bad dream.



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6 Responses to “Pregnant Men & Singing Potatoes”

  1. ian says:

    Pretty disturbing. Emphasis on disturbing, deffo not pretty. You’d almost think, that whoever owns the media and entertainment industry, want to destroy everything that is good and decent within our society/societies. They play porn videos on Palestinian TVs in Israel, for the same reason. Wish I knew who was doing it.

  2. NPP says:

    You wish you knew who was doing it?
    And do what?

    All we can do is decline, refrain, say no where we can, not comply, not engage who ever it is.

    I wonder about even posting such a post & giving energy to such nonsense, but it must be acknowledged, addressed & be made aware of. At TAP it is preaching the converted, but I’d drawn this potato & thought sod it, post it.

    Smiling & humour is among our most powerful weapons.

    Keep being good.

    • ian says:

      Don’t underestimate me Ned, I like you.

      • NPP says:

        I was merely replying, what would ‘we’ do if we knew ‘who’ it was?
        Zionist? Bankers? Mr. So & so? ‘They’?

        We can only react & walk our own talk.

        The sky is blue & men do not get pregnant whatever ‘they’ say. Sam Spud Smith is a sadly overweight twerp. It seems he can hold a note though. Such a pity he sings about unholy nonsense. C’est la vie.

        • ian says:

          Please don’t take offence Ned. I was merely very careful not say anything I could be charged for saying. Apparently the fact that something is true, is no defence if you offend someone.

          • NPP says:

            Being offended had not occurred to me.
            I’m not offended in the least.

            I think we must misunderstand each other.

            Sam Spud Smith is a fat twerp. I’m sure he goes into victim mode & takes offense enough for us all.