Dry British Humour – Revealed, the new True Brit Test
Mon 4:24 pm +01:00, 4 Jul 2022 5
-July 4, 2022
PEERS are demanding an urgent review of the Life in the UK test which foreign nationals seeking British citizenship must pass.
Applicants sit the 45-minute exam after studying an official booklet outlining Britain’s history, society and constitution. To succeed, they must answer 75 per cent of 24 multiple choice questions correctly.
A report by the Justice and Home Affairs Committee of the House of Lords says some questions are ‘trivial’, ‘outdated’ and even offensive, such as asking what to do after spilling beer on someone in the pub. Other allegedly contentious areas include whether the British Empire was ‘a force for good in the world’ and if Britain stood alone against Hitler.
I can reveal that Boris Johnson’s Downing Street team has already produced a new version of the exam, featuring questions more in keeping with today’s Britain, as these leaked extracts show …
What was the most significant event of the 19th century?
a) Keeping chimneys clean by sending children up them;
b) Boris Johnson’s great-grandfather being born in Turkey.
What should you do if you spill beer on someone in a pub?
a) Make a quip such as: ‘The drinks are on you’;
b) Prepare to receive a fist in your face;
c) Squeeze the beer out of their clothes and back into your glass because these days it’s too dear to waste.
Who was Winston Churchill?
a) A drunken old war criminal;
b) A nodding dog in an insurance advert;
c) A prime minister who wasn’t a patch on Boris Johnson.
How long can a person legally stay glued to a British road?
a) Until a motorist is arrested for trying to get them to move;
c) Until they’ve been interviewed sympathetically by the Guardian;
b) Until a police officer brings them a cup of coffee and a cream bun and says all roads for 20 miles around are totally gridlocked so they may as well go home.
After invading Britain in AD43, the Romans brought significant improvements. Which was the most important?
a) Paving Watling Street to make travel easier;
b) Establishing thermal baths in Bath, so people could have a good wash;
c) Building Hadrian’s Wall to keep Nicola Sturgeon’s ancestors out.
Which of these statements best describes the White Cliffs of Dover?
a) The natural wall-like symbol of Britain’s proud history as an island nation;
b) The inspiration for a much-loved wartime song;
c) A handy aiming point for dinghies crossing the Channel.
How long do laws made by the UK Parliament last?
a) Until repealed by a subsequent Parliament;
b) Until some nameless Johnny Foreigner judge decides he knows better.
What was the coronavirus pandemic?
a) The greatest threat to mankind since the Black Death, defeated only by the courageous, timely actions of Boris Johnson;
b) The greatest threat to mankind since the Black Death, defeated only by the courageous, timely actions of Boris Johnson.
What was the main reason the British Empire was a force for good in the world?
a) It gave us curry;
b) It provided comprehensible names for places around the world instead of some native gibberish;
c) It allowed lots of Scots to emigrate.
If you see a statue being toppled in Britain, what should you do?
a) Call the police;
b) Watch it doesn’t fall on you and join a howling mob dumping it in a harbour.
How much of Britain’s energy is supplied each year by renewables?
a) Enough to keep a one-bar electric fire running for ten minutes;
b) So much we can’t give it away.
Why was the Habeas Corpus Act of 1679 important?
a) It ensured that no one could be imprisoned illegally;
b) It was the first Latin phrase the five-year-old Boris Johnson translated.
Which of these is the biggest myth in Scotland?
a) The Loch Ness Monster;
b) A clamour for independence.
What is the meaning of Net Zero?
a) Britain’s fishing industry has been run down so much that trawlers no longer have nets;
b) The carbon neutral paradise being achieved by Boris Johnson.
Why did Britain stand alone against Hitler in 1940?
a) He wanted us to join a united Europe;
b) To stop us getting him mixed up with Charlie Chaplin;
c) To ensure Dad’s Army would be made 28 years later.
Which of these is a masterpiece of British fictional writing?
a) Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell;
b) Statement to Durham Constabulary about alleged illegal beer drinking during lockdown by Keir Starmer.
Which historic event should all true Britons celebrate each year in June?
a) The Duke of Wellington’s defeat of Napoleon at Waterloo;
b) The D-Day invasion of Normandy;
c) Boris Johnson’s birthday.
NOTE: All questions must be answered. Exam papers will be personally scrutinised by the PM. Unsuccessful applicants will immediately be put on deportation flights to Rwanda, but their planes will be dramatically halted on the runway by human rights injunctions and they will stay in Britain permanently.
A bit of Scottish racism in there, but not to worry, it only counts for non whites and Jews. They never dare mention though, the driving force behind many of this country’s nay, the entire white Western nations’ problems. As for Bojo, Bozo, I’d be banned on here if I gave my true opinion of all political figures, and more so the Scottish assholes.
Let me tell you a little about the Scottish Government’s actions. Amongst other things. I was always a little different, and don’t like going about with a group, it was uncomfortable. I liked one on one situations. I later, very recently actually, found out that I’m borderline Aspergers, although, some of my traits don’t tie in. I always knew many things weren’t as they were supposed to be, but not until I got the internet did it all come together. I thought that I could inform others, but it backfired and I ended up with depression. That’s my basic story.
I was brought up shooting and fishing. Not high fallutin grouse moors or reared pheasants, just wandering over land where I had permission to be on, and eating what I got. I loved it. The depression put the mockers on the shotgun and rifle licence, though I have, barring one speeding ticket not been in any trouble with the law in my 71 years alive. Nothing negative about Scotland so far. Now it starts. I readjusted with time, and snared a few rabbits and foxes for the local farmers, then Scotland changed snaring laws, Still old style in England, I sat a course to keep legal, £80+£20 for photo etc. However it limits and restricts you tou such a degree, that my usual haunts are off limits, eg never set a snare where a member of the public may inadvertently stumble across it, or similar. Bear in mind that the RSPB and others use snares to protect birds from foxes. The snares have stops on them and don’t choke your quarry. I used an air rifle, no licence needed, to shoot some rabbits, but they are limited, ie won’t go through both sides of a bean can, sort of power. Scottish government licensed them, so you need a certificate, England never did. Really fed up with them, then to put icing on the cake, they put a minimum unit price on alcohol. EG a really cheap bottle of wine in Aldi, an Australian Shiraz 13% alc and pretty smooth, £3:99 in Carlisle, £5:05 in Scotland.
I can get 4 bottles of a strong McEwans beer which I like for £5 in Carlisle, £7:40 in Scotland. I am sober as I write this, but I’m thinking of going to Carlisle for some beer.
As an add on, sorry for pushing this, but many who visit the site will be anti hunting and trapping. Supermarket chickens are on average slaughtered at 5 weeks old, never been out of a stinking shed. I am humane as I can possibly be, and demand the same level of care from anyone who I encounter in life. I rescue animals and am the go to guy with injured birds etc locally. We’re not ogres.
Oh and forgot to mention, smoke alarms. As from February past, all houses in Scotland are required to have linked smoke alarms throughout the house. It either means the upheaval of floorboards up, and paying a sparky to do it, or, you guessed it, even more invasive poxy Wifi. Whatever you decide, you’re going to be at least £300 out of pocket, whilst surviving on the lowest pension in Europe. I can’t look at thin lipped Jimmy Kranky Sturgeon.
When a saw awe yer comments a thought a wus in for a laf but ne’r mind a weel ken wur yer cummin frae an it’s as weel a live nae fer frae Berwick that a tae take advantage o’ gettin cheaper grog frae England.
As fur thae numpties up there in Holyrood honest tae God did ye ever see sic a sight in awe yer life. Thae stan there an mooth aff aboot this an that wae no an oonce o’ common sense. Honestly, a gee up on that lot.
Anyway, here’s something tat cheer us up.
https://www.distractify.com/humor/2015/01/12/1KTSgb/test-answers-that-are-totally-wrong-but-still-genius-1197820269
Which reminds me of the day I took my children to Edinburgh zoo. After the visit and on returning to primary school P1 the teacher asked the children to write about what they had done at the weekend. My son wrote, “One day I went to the zoo with my mum and a monkey.” Well seen he’s got me figured!.