It has been proven in top secret studies by scientists whose identities must remain secret for security reasons that children do not have enough chemicals in them.
Witty pointed out that “it is a well known fact that the human race has evolved over millions of years into needing pharmaceutical chemicals. This is especially true of today’s children who have, quite frankly, let the country down by being unpatriotically and dangerously low on chemicals”.
Dismayed by the prospect that the number of children harmed by the booby-trapped pseudo vaccines caringly forced on them for their own good in order to protect them from a danger that children (or anyone else for that matter) aren’t in, may fall well short of targets, he has announced a cunning scientific and not-at-all-evil plan to put a known carcinogen and all round government-friendly poison into the UK’s tap water.
This has been hailed by many people throughout the Cabinet Office, Big Pharma boardrooms and other lunatic asylums as a boon in which Science has been brought to bear on a very real but unspecified problem by the masterstroke of ignoring it completely.
Presenting the insertion of fluoride into the water supply as a solution to dental problems, Witty responded strongly to the allegations made by millions of scientists and other conspiracy theorists that fluoride has been known for decades to be a considerable threat to health, intelligence and other non-essential human faculties. He hit back with a scientific response guaranteed to silence his critics, quote:
“Oh no it isn’t.”
When this reporter put to Mr Witty that fluoride is known to render children less intelligent and make them more pliable, he responded with:
“That’s just one of the advantages!” and went on to explain how chucking a few drums of chemicals into the reservoirs is a lot more cost effective than getting kids to brush their teeth, stopping the food industry poisoning them with sugar and so forth.
Responding to concerns that the mass injecting of young people alongside slipping them a ruddy great mickey* may in the long term cause infertility and the early demise of many children, a spokesperson for the Department of Ill Health and Euthanasia (DIE) said,
“People will have to decide what their priorities are. The annual cost to the taxpayer of raising and caring for children, letting them run around and disturb the peace and so forth is astronomical. The cunning plan of adding fluoride to the vaccine program is part of the national economy drive that will save the government a great deal of money as well as rendering the country a lot quieter so people will be able to absorb government instructions in peace.”
Responding to this latest news, the Prime Muppet at a Downing Street press conference earlier today silenced critics with the following statement:
“In my sober judgement Mr Witty is probably not at all demented”.
* mickey: In slang, a Mickey Finn (or simply a mickey) is a drink laced with a psychoactive drug or incapacitating agent given to someone without their knowledge, with intent to incapacitate them. Serving someone a “mickey” is commonly referred to as “slipping someone a mickey”