A Thousand Points of Lameness

Much as I hate doing it, I will now comment on American politics and the midterm elections. I try to respect the admonition I received from my mother at the age of two or three: “Don’t touch kaka!” Since I don’t wish to wallow in this smelly subject, I will try to keep my commentary nice and short.

As I have probably explained a few too many times, the US is not a democracy and it does not matter who is president. This is not a matter of judgment or opinion; it has been proven using statistical analysis. Voting does not affect public policy; the opinions of business lobbies do. These business lobbies are dominated by oligarchic clans. They are “the people” in “we the people” from Preamble to the United States Constitution, drafted in September of 1787. They should have written “We the slave owners and the pirates.”

The midterm elections offered a choice of candidates from the two parties plus some so-called independents. These are not really independent at all since there isn’t any sort of “Independent party” with a separate, independent agenda and they are forced to join this or that party when voting. The president’s party did in fact lose. But party affiliation of the president or of the congressional majority does not affect public policy. They all fight wars for money and they all coddle genocidal dictators while assassinating or kidnapping democratically elected leaders. Complaining about any of this makes no difference at all. If you disagree, then go read Noam Chomsky or Howard Zinn. I have a different goal in mind.

I want to correct a common misunderstanding, which is that Donald Trump lost the midterm election. First of all, he wasn’t even running for any office and the presidency will remain his for two more years, which is the maximum allowed by the US constitution, so he couldn’t have lost. This is a statement worthy of Captain Obvious, yet it is often overlooked.

The typical rejoinder is: “But Donald Trump’s party lost!” Here one assumes that the Republican party is Trump’s party. But that is just his ticket of convenience. He was a Democrat and great friends with Bill and Hillary Clinton, then switched teams. If Trump were clever, he would switch party affiliation while in office by declaring himself to be a Democrat. “You know, I am a winner and the Republicans are a bunch of losers and I hate losers so I am switching parties!” he could declare from a podium. That would keep him in the limelight, which he constantly craves, for another month or so.

The Republicans did lose in the midterm elections, and most shamefully so. They lost governorships and Senate seats in some steadfastly Republican states and they lost the majorities in both houses of Congress. But you probably know this already. I only mention this to let you know that I do pay attention to US politics, and in case you don’t, in which case I wouldn’t blame you.

Shifting from common knowledge to uncommon opinion, the Republicans had already lost when they picked Trump as their presidential candidate, and they did so twice: once in 2016 and once in 2024. “Our country faces ruin!” they thought. “Let’s pick an elderly real estate shyster, beauty pageant organizer and reality show host as our leader! That’ll fix it!” It was a poor choice if they wanted to fix the country but probably just fine if they only wanted to get rich or to stay rich, and that is far more likely the case. If you call me a cynic for thinking so, I will call you a hypocrite right back, since you probably also wouldn’t mind too much if you got rich or stayed rich. “Let him who is without sin throw the first stone.”

In any case, cheer up, Republicans! You certainly need not despair. Republicans won the White House 24 times since Abraham Lincoln in 1860, while the Democrats won it only 18 times, making a Republican presidential win 25% more likely on average. They will win again. They just need a better campaign slogan. “Maga” looks fine on a hat, but it doesn’t quite work as a battle cry. Are they chanting “Mug her! Mug her!”? Who is she anyway and why should she be mugged? Is she America? That would make some sense, since it is obvious that Trump’s goal in running for the presidency was to enrich himself by, so to speak, mugging America.

I would humbly suggest picking a more aspirational and a more accurate slogan: “Make once great America great once again!” It makes it clear that America is no longer great but could perhaps achieve a fleeting greatness one last time. But could it, really? Well, perhaps not. That is about as realistic a slogan as “Make Trump’s prostate small again!” No matter; in America, it is not necessary for politicians to fulfill their campaign promises. In any case, “Make once great America great once again!” as an acronym makes a better chant than “Maga! Maga!” Try it. “Mogagoa! Mogagoa!” It sounds like a Zulu battle cry. But then the Zulus were not winners. They lost to the British at Battle of Ulundi on July 4, 1879. Oh well! Never mind.

Back to the subject at hand. Some people are now calling Trump a lame duck. This is because his party no longer has a majority in either the House or the Senate. Of course, as I mentioned, he could just switch parties and this would make him a perfectly fit duck. The Democrats don’t have an ideology and are simply in favor of everything that’s good and against everything that’s bad. They favor economic affordability and health care access. Oh, and cheaper gas. There is nothing wrong with any of that, especially given that they won’t be able to achieve any of this. But technically Trump is a lame duck.

But that is nothing out of the ordinary. Prior to Trump’s current term, the last Republican lame-duck president was George W. Bush, who served through the end of his second term until January 20, 2009. And prior to him, there was his father, George H. W. Bush, also a lame duck. Bush-père played a lame duck most convincingly. The environment he faced was substantially similar to that faced by Trump. Bush spent his final two years grappling with a sluggish economy, a 7.8% unemployment rate, and a massive federal budget deficit. He used the lame duck veto power a total of 44 times and the solidly Democrat-controlled Congress only managed to override a couple of his vetos. And just as Trump kidnapped Venezuela’s president Nicolas Maduro, so Bush-père kidnapped Panama’s leader Manuel Noriega. Bush-père is remembered for his catch phrase “A thousand points of light.” Although what he meant by that was rather lofty, I think that “A thousand points of lameness” would be a better homage for his administration.

Thus, being a lame duck is perfectly respectable within the American system of pretend-democracy. It is perfectly good form, and form is all there is since, as I mentioned, the US is not a democracy and it doesn’t matter who is president. America simulates a democracy in form, while the content is that substance my mother once admonished me for touching.

Come to think of it, the term “lame duck” is a perfectly apt metaphor for America as a whole. It is a duck that can no longer fly. The heavier species of duck have to waddle quite actively while flapping their wings in order to take off. And Americans, on average, would be quite obese as ducks. In turn, lame ducks can’t waddle fast enough to take off and remain earthbound. And earthbound ducks make easy prey for transnational corporations. No matter who Americans vote for, their money will be siphoned off to pay interest on their debts, to enrich transnational corporations and to further enrich the global oligarchy. This will happen no matter how they vote or whether they vote because, you see, the US is not a democracy and it doesn’t matter who is president. How lame is that? I ask myself. And I answer myself: that is very, very lame indeed.