Vot a vonderful veek vee are haffing! Meine freunden Rishi Sunak vill gesoon be zee Primal Minister of the whole of England. Compared to me Rishi is a poor man, of course, but although he not yet quite a billionaire he is a of use to us. He becoming one of us was ven he was mit der Goldman Sachs, the Greatest Bank on Earth. The company of his father-in-law called Infosys is one of our members and vas at our little affair in Davos. How good is zat, eh? Rishi will make a vonderful Bilderbugger. He is, how the English say, under my Big Toe. Ha ha.
One of zee Rothschilds came to see me. I do not knowing vich one. They all look the same to me. I know zay have fat vallets because zay valk lopsided and ven they sit down they are falling over, but never do they bring out any money to buy coffee and kuchen.
The Merkel came to see me for her monthly grovel. Vot a voman she is. Vot legs she is having. Give me ten Merkels and I vill ruler the vorld. Ha Ha. I already am ruling the vorld. But give me ten Merkels anyvay.
That idiot Prince Charles telephoned again but I told him I vas busy. He is a nuisance, always with the telephoning for this and for that. Ven he calls next, I vill tell him to order his mother to make me a Duke. She made me a Sir but no one calls me this. I vant to be a Duke. Charlie is a twit but he is useful. I told him to glue himself to the Parade of zee Horsesguards . He said he did not know vere to get glue. I told him to send out one of his servants to fetch it from a glue shop. He is an idiot. He has a man who kneels for him once an hour every day. He does this to please the people. He does not vant to be kneeling himself because he says it make vinkle his trouser. I told him to kneel on both of zee knees so there is vinkling on both sides. Ha Ha.
My friends Bill and Jeffrey vere here. People think Jeffrey is dead. Ha ha. Bill has secretly bought Canada and New Zealand. He is going to turn them into prison camps for the peoples who are the unvaxed.
Vimbledon vas a disaster. A Russian person von the ladies championship and an unvaxxed person von the big cup for zee men. Vot idiots. If zeese people cannot fiddle a tennis match vot use are zay?
Bill has bought another 23,000 second hand lawyers and 64,000 doctors. He got them werry cheap, of course, but does not know vere to put them or vot to do vis them. I told him he does not be having to do anything with zem. Just owning them is enough. The doctors can be doing more jabbing vith the jabs and the lawyers can be doing wotever it is that lawyers do. I never have been out finding.
Young Bonio has been emailing me. He has apparently had to pay some tax. He is furious and will not stop going on about it. I told him I will pay the four euros if he will shut up. I hope zis makes him happy. I am told he is a music person but I think he has not playing anything by Bovy-Lysberg so he is cannot be a proper music person. Bovy-Lysberg vas a sviss composer and the greatest of zee music persons but sadly I think he is now dead. If he were not dead I vud him to Davos be inviting because he is Sviss. I do not knowing vy this man calls himself a Bonio but I do not care enough to ask him.
Boris Johnson has been upon the telephone. He vants a job. I told him he can come and polish my gold. But I will count it afterwards. Ha ha. He says he has some vallpaper he wants to sell to me. Why do I want to buy second hand vallpaper? He says he vill peel it of a vall and bring it for me. He is a madman. I already have zee vallpaper.
My friend Bill has bought another 11,353 fact checkers. I do not knowing vot he is doing with them alls. But zay are very cheap and it makes him happy. Maybe he cooks them and makes them into food?
One of my collection of cuckoo clocks has stopped the cuckooing. I have shouted at it but it vill still not be doing the cuckooing. I have put it on the lawn and told that Biden to send over a squadron of his aeroplanes to drop zee napalm on it. That vill teach it the lesson. It vill perhaps cuckoo after a little napalm. Ha ha.
Bill telephoned to say he has bought the BBC. He is always things the buying of. He said he vill make money out of it because he receives fees from the stupid Britons who pay to be lied to. Vot fools they are.
That man Biden rang. I forgot and left him on zee line for an hour. He wants to know how much var I want. I told him you can never be having too much var.
Copyright Vernon Coleman July 2022
Vernon Coleman’s novel `Balancing the Books’ tells the story of a woman who kills people who give her husband’s books one star reviews. `Balancing the Books’ is available as an eBook and a paperback. One day, perhaps, it will be a film.