Are you a lying unscrupulous sack-of-shit seeking work? You are? Well you’re in luck because a glittering career as an Approved Fact Checker awaits you. Don’t worry if you’re not very good on facts. Actually that could work to your advantage because a knowledge of and commitment to factual information would be a disadvantage in this fast-growing profession. Let me explain. Your job essentially is to debunk conspiracy theories, or more accurately, to convince your readers that you’ve debunked them. As you’ll see there’s a big difference. Understand that a conspiracy theory is anything that contradicts the positions taken by your deep-pocketed paymasters such as Bill Gates and George Soros.

Here’s how it works. Say there’s a conspiracy theory going around that the Covid19 vaccine is actually a sterilisation mechanism to help Bill Gates reduce the world’s population to 500 million – which explains why he’s invested so heavily in the project. Your job is to convince your readers that the theory is without foundation. This might seem daunting – after all you have no expertise in this area – but in reality, even by undertaking no research, you can convince 90% of your readers by way of the following boilerplate response heading.

DEBUNKED! Our research revealed no evidence that Bill Gates conspired to use the Covid-19 vaccine for sterilisation purposes! [Note: It’s essential that the word ‘debunked’ be capitalised, be in bold format and – most important of all – be followed by at least one exclamation mark]

And that’s more or less it. 90% of your readers will read no further, your paymasters will be happy.

However you will need, for two reasons, to pad out your report with at least a page of backup material. First the pesky remaining 10% will want to know the basis for your DEBUNKED! claim, and second, even for the 90% that doesn’t read any further, a big block of text adds comfort and reassurance and a spurious sense of authenticity. And how do you populate this block of text? Well initially you’ll feel challenged by some basic facts such Gates being on the record as wanting to see the world’s population reduced to 500 million, his undisputed heavy investments in vaccines, and that even vaccine manufacturers have admitted the ‘possibility’ (read: certainty) they could contain a sterilisation agent.

But, as Ronald Reagan used say, let’s not talk about that. Instead list out testimonials to Gates’ philanthropy, cite some of the bought and paid for ‘independent experts’ who’ll passionately vouch for his genius and altruism. You can fill half a page with that. And, as a bonus, copy and paste it into future Fact Checks. Second, simply find a single obscure point upon which the conspiracy theory is wrong or even unsupported. For instance you find that the Bill And Melinda Gates Foundation and not Bill himself financed GAVI. Bingo! Categorically assert that “DEBUNKED! Our researchers have found no evidence of contributions by either Bill or Melinda Gates to GAVI”.

As an added bonus those who understand your game will be few in number (although that number is growing rapidly) and, more important, will have been banished from the public space, unable to dispute your research, destined, like Thomas Gray’s rose, to waste their sweetness on the desert air.

Armed with this guidance go forth and built your new career.