by Steve Cook
A new horrifying anticlimax in the novel coronavirus epidemic even more horrifying than previous red herrings has spread dismay throughout newsrooms and other vulnerable minorities all across the world.
It caused many governments to disconnect even further from reality this morning when it was revealed that millions of people didn’t realise they were sick until they were told they were by one or more politicians.
This of course has spread the epidemic at an accelerating rate with millions of people across the world and similar planets being struck down by government tests.
There now appears to be a direct correlation, according to Roger Daltry of the WHO, between the number of Coronavirus (or COVID 19 – no one is clear as to what the exactly media is talking about, especially the media) cases and the number of tests being carried out. It is now known that the COVID19 virus thingie is rarely fatal except when helped by an underlying morbidity such as cardiac arrest or medical treatment, although it can make people feel poorly even when they are unaware of it (Reverse Hypochondria Syndrome). Therefore, many experts are urging the government to stop doing the tests as these are clearly making people unwell.
On the other hand, other experts even more expert than the previous experts and using top secret science too brainy for mere citizens to understand, claim that whilst the number of tests being done and the number of people being instructed to be unwell is on the rise, the number of fatalities is dropping sharply. It is therefore logical to assume that making people unwell is probably saving lives in ways too troublesome to explain and so the government should continue making people unwell in the traditional manner in order to save lives.
On the other other hand, even more experts are now emerging from hiding in bunkers deep under the Mountains of Molehill to claim that what is making people ill is the government and the media continually advertising the virus. This theory has gained traction since surveys revealed that most people would not have even realised there was an epidemic going on if the government and the media had not kept banging on about it.
Thus some, mainly citizens and other subversive minorities, are proposing a new form of Lockdown in which the media and government will be shut down and quarantined so as to prevent millions of people getting sick and millions more generally cheesed off.
Meanwhile, it has been discovered by even more top secret government scientists that getting the government to shut up and/or stop mucking people about is scientifically impossible. The government, therefore, is to embark upon a new completely futile plan designed to reassure the public that it is not a waste of space and/or a terrorist organisation.
A spokesperson for the Ministry of Hysteria, Jane Fibbs, this morning announced to a hushed and cynical press gathering in which dozens of top journalists pretended to (a) listen and (b) be remotely interested, the following statement,
In order to halt the spread of the media-borne disease, the government will today put in place new laws that are actually merely guidelines with the force of law except that they cannot be enforced. These guidelines will from tomorrow morning ban the speaking in public (or private) of spoken languages that involve the use of a lot of phlegm and spitting such as in the Welsh sounds for LL and CH (see pronunciation guide here). Such languages include, for example, Welsh and . . . er, Welsh.