GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCEMENT –
The Cobra Committee meeting to discuss the new Coronavirus epidemic has reached the following decision –
Due to all the panic buying and hoarding of toilet paper, supermarkets have been requested not to put any more toilet paper out on their shelves but to sell it over the counter only, by the
shit sheet. Forecasters predict that there will be approximately 60 million movements a day, requiring four pieces each. It is estimated that 250 million pieces sold at 5 pence will add £5 billion a year to Gross Domestic Product, and scoop up a billion in tax. Hoarders and black market profiteers will be hunted down by the Police and will face heavy fines for the threat they pose to Britain’s most valued and prized asset – a clean rear.
The Health Secretary says it all reminds him of wartime, and the way the country got its shit together in 1940.
The FTSE 100 Index ended the day at 5300 falling from 7400 a week earlier, wiping a third off the capital value of the United Kingdom.
Sterling fell to $1.22.
The Prime Minister says he hopes we’ve seen the bottom.
The government is bringing April 1st forward by two weeks as the Coronavirus is not yet ready to be battled, being only in its early stages in the UK.
Mr Johnson added, ‘This is not the end. This is not even the beginning of the end, but it will soon be the beginning of the beginning.’
Matt Hancock, Health Secretary, says the delay in taking concrete measures against the plague has nothing to do with waiting for 5G to be ready for launch and that the virus is in no way a smokescreen for 5G sickness. Wuhan and Milan were 5G testbeds for China and Italy respectively.
He added that if anyone over 70 is still alive by the middle of next week, he will find a way to terminate their existence, in order to reduce the number of potential cases of the coming 5G pandemic which will eventually kill off half the country’s inhabitants, ‘with any luck,’ he added.
Meanwhile in the USA the head of the US government’s response to Coronavirus is none other than Rear Admiral Belcher.
He also claims he’s getting to the bottom of the problem. He follows up behind Trump. Gas masks!