August 4, 2016
Author: Josh Macin
‘To give you a little background on Josh. He was the 2010 Brazilian Jiu Jitsu World Champion and the 2012 Pan American Champion. You can watch a cool video of him here. A few years ago, he started having very serious challenges with his mental health. He tried all kinds of crazy and weird shit and went from one healer to another, to no avail. As you’re about to learn, it wasn’t until he learned about the effects of heavy metals and toxicity, removed his fillings, and started to detoxify heavy metals and use suppositories, that he finally found relief.’
How Mercury Almost Took My Life
I have, at many times in my life, thought that I was the saddest person on the planet. I gathered that no other being on the face of the Earth could possibly be feeling this tormented, distraught, and doomed. Many of those times, those were just thoughts. However, there was one very distinct night, not too long ago, where those thoughts may have held some truth.
The morning of was no different than any other morning. Upon waking, if I was lucky enough to ever fall asleep, a gut-wrenching, debilitating anxiety clawed at my insides. Incessant fearful thinking and neuroses about completely irrational things plagued me. The anxiety never came because of circumstances; it existed completely independent of external structures. I had extreme physical pain and inflammation all over my body, as if I had the flu.
The first two hours of the day, I would drink a gallon of distilled water, stretch to binaural beats, and sing lullabies or a mantra over and over again to distract myself from dark thoughts. I would then do the five Tibetan rites.
In order to have a bowel movement, I had to massage my colon with a lacrosse ball as taught in the Tao, and drink two laxative teas the night prior. Any interruption in this 2+ hour dance, and I would not poop, and the physical matter that represented the previous day’s energy, would stagnate in my body and my clenched and fearful gut would prevent it from being released.
When this happened, neither enemas nor colonics could come to my rescue. It was a guaranteed day of torment. I cannot speak of the symptoms that came when the previous day’s energy remained inside of me, for I would lose many readers too early in this story. But I will tell you that on this day in particular, I was not able to poop, for I truly had too much on my mind.
During the night, I met my father and sister for sushi at our favorite spot in the area. Normally, I would have cancelled because of how awful I felt, but I had to be there. I ordered the usual; two Tuna rolls and a seaweed salad. I always made sure to use the low-salt soy sauce.
I sat there as we conversed about their work days, a new watch, the food, and things that normal people talk about. The world’s pain was inside of me, and I was holding in tears every second. I truly didn’t know if this would be the last time that I ever saw them. My father politely begged me to go on anti-depressants, for he knew the severity of the situation and desperately wanted his son back. I hugged them goodbye and then broke down in my basement as I had done hundreds of times before.
This despair felt different. It was the deepest depths of despair that the human spirit is capable of entering. I thought about not leaving over and over. I couldn’t bear the thought that if I didn’t make it, my father would have lost his dad and his son in an eight month window.
I had to go. I couldn’t stand my life anymore; I was at my wits end. A human being can only withstand so much torture. I already paid for the non-refundable trip and burned the boats. Only God could stop me now.
Let’s rewind 2.5 years. I had it great in the external realm. I had a great sales job paying me 70k, a beautiful girlfriend, an apartment in the Lower East Side of Manhattan, and I had spent the previous four years traveling around the world competing in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, winning the world and Pan-American championships.
At times, I felt unstoppable. If I heard the words “spirit” or “detox” or any “metaphysical” conversation, I would laugh in pity for those people were too weak to chase the true jewels in this world; money, fame, women, and power. Things only existed if I could experience it or measure them. Everything else was dumb.
Despite all this ego strength, something just wasn’t quite right on the inside. My existential unrest became a fire that burned out of control. Uneasiness bubbled inside of me. Who am I? What are we doing here on this planet? Why is everybody so unhappy? Why am I so unhappy? Who is everybody listening to all the time? Why am I always rushing to get somewhere?
These were the questions I would ruminate on while staring at my computer screen in my cubicle. Over the months, the darkness grew at an alarming rate, and I fell into deep despair and panic. The poisonous narration of life that I was experiencing was eating at my body and mind. My daily existence became a panic attack that would not subside for even a moment. I had nightmares, night terrors, grinded my teeth down to close to the roots, and I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror.
Like any normal 23 year old, I turned to my parents, and to the Western psychiatric system, where I was placed on many medications for bipolar, anxiety, and major depressive disorder. Through the months of guess and check, I had tried Lexapro, Zoloft, Latuda, Klonopin, and many others which I don’t care to remember.
Taking these pills felt like spiritual suicide, and I was becoming a numb zombie floating around in a broken state. I would mindlessly watch television for 24 hours straight, and my friends no longer recognized me. I saw no healing potential in this system. After three months of these “medications” I had experienced enough of the Western mental health system. I had seen right through their tricks, games and manipulation. This was clearly the system in place to further keep people sick, broke, needy, and weak, so that they could never realize their true godliness.
I started thinking outside the box. Was there a meaning behind all of this? Is mental health more complex than all of these neurotransmitters and chemicals? Perhaps this is an initiation of sorts? I began listening to alternative podcasts and studying spirituality. I became very interested in de-conditioning my mind, and exploring other realms with plant medicines. These blueprints I was constructing my life with were faulty at best.
To change the movie on the screen, you don’t run up to the vinyl and start covering shit up. You have to go to the projector and examine the reel. After reading about miracle stories, I was certain that these medicines could be the way into my subconscious and out of my despair. I quit my new sales job, promised my family I would come home a new man, and flew to the Amazon.
I left the Amazon one ceremony and three days later, 11 days earlier than expected, in a state of shock and terror. I created a commotion on the plane with my panic, and they had to make an announcement for a doctor and for benzos. I sat in the back of the plane screaming in panic while an American firefighter and Columbian nurse aided me. There were no doctors on that flight. Upon landing there were police and sniffing dogs that escorted me off of the plane first.
The foreign Peruvian flight attendants must have suspected that I was smuggling drugs and that I had caved under the pressure. In their country, this level of unprovoked panic is very rare. I explained the situation to the police and after a thorough rectal search, I left the airport. My father drove me to the psych hospital because after three days of not sleeping, I was suicidal. I rested, and woke up determined to revisit the Amazon one day.
As frightening as the experience had been, I knew there was massive potential in the sacred medicine that is Ayahuasca. I was certain that if I was to make it in this life, there had to be a lot more prep work before returning to the medicine. As spirituality had taught me, I now believed that the only way out of this pain was through it. I could not run away from it. And this plant medicine had a way of making pain impossible to run away from. In hindsight, I was so very right and so very wrong at the same time.
Fighting for my life, I found a clinic in New York that administers legal ketamine injections for those who are experiencing suicidal despair. My best friend, who has saved my life financially and emotionally on numerous occasions, supported me. I got two of those, and with the first one being therapeutic, I saw a glimmer of light and learned the importance of choices. I became very serious about diet, cleansing, fasting, enemas, trophology (the Chinese art of food combining), vipassana retreats, yoga, swimming, meditation, supplements, and herbs. In a six month period, while caddying to make money, I built up enough stability and confidence in my being to return to the medicine.
This time I would make a leap and stay at an Ayahuasca center for four months as part of a volunteer program.
I wrote at length about my experience in the jungle, about mental health and the medicine, here so I won’t go into too much detail now. Suffice to say that staying at the center was truly a self-initiated spiritual boot camp. I engaged in 5+ hours a day of spiritual work just to stay afloat. Most of my meals were spent alone, focusing on my breath and my chewing. Every single ceremony was excruciatingly difficult, as I had some serious demons to slay, but the lessons and gifts in 21 Ayahuasca ceremonies and four months living isolated in the jungle were astounding, and it has changed me forever.
Ayahuasca is truly a magical medicine that allows you to see how powerful we are, and how we all manifest our reality. In the simplest terms, Ayahuasca forces you to look at your own shit, and teaches you how to connect to the ever-present witnessing self that exists underneath all of the chaos. The lessons and teachings come differently for everybody. She (the spirit of Ayahuasca) knows how to give you experiences that provide you with the maximum potential for growth. Some people get visions, audible teachings, and love while others will be brought into the depths of hell depending on how toxic their bodies are and what needs to be revealed and cleared. It is also an extremely intense physical purge of toxins and old fecal matter.
Physical toxins in the body are ALWAYS connected to negative thought patterns and dark emotions. Through this purging, peeling of layers, and re-wiring faulty neural pathways, Ayahuasca connected me to my heart and showed me the magnificence of life. It showed me who I really am and how far away from living in harmony with nature we have gone as a collective.
However, even after all the work and ceremonies, I could not seem to get to the root of my grief and unrest. Non-stop spiritual work, focusing on being present, concentrating on the breath, mantras of self-love, self-massage, clean eating, fasting, being around beautiful souls, having an extremely special woman by my side, and submerging myself in nature provided relief from despair, and connected me to the universe and to the wonder of life for certain, but I had this crippling anxiety and fear that ran amuck.
I was certain I must have been molested as a baby and these fear programs were just continuously playing in my mind. I had gone so deep, and had explored every corner of my mind, but still couldn’t fully understand the pain.
At the end of my stay there, the shamans had all told me that I needed a dieta (apprenticeship) for this grande problemo and insisted that I dieta with Huairacaspi in isolation. Huairacaspi is a very, very powerful tree used to treat gastrointestinal ailments and for protection against bad spirits; a tree that even the most experienced Ayahuasca westerners knew nothing about. A tree that indigenous shamans take at a young age to prove their devotion to nature. Although I wanted to jump right into it, the time wasn’t right and I needed to come home to see my family and make some more money.
From those days on, I couldn’t go 10 minutes without thinking about that tree, and how it could liberate me from this nightmare. I would do everything in my power to make this dieta a reality. Nine long months later, and even deeper in the Amazon, I would be wishing that I had never heard of it.
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