Zen Gardner, Reporting for Whirled News
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Yes, they’ve finally come out and provided a service where anyone can join in and swim in a swirl of mind-bending, soul polluting mainstream news sewage at the click of a button.
It’s called TRIPE, a clever acronym that stands for The Rapacious Information Putrification Enterprise, designed to simplify the incredibly daunting task of governments to control, twist and pervert any and all forms of communication and its content.
This information was previously scattered all over the media, but now it’s being collected for easy access by young and old alike. Once you’ve entered the portal by providing only a few pages and downloads of your legal and biometric data it’s a virtual “free range fiesta” as they’re calling it, with a wide variety of delectable regurgitated “hairballs”, as one team member described them, or units of disinformation of all shapes and sizes.
Prepackaged for easy digestion and dissemination around the web, the creators of TRIPE were hopping and grinning with glee during the announcement, although the drool on the podium proved tricky to navigate for the infamous film crew “Snoop” called to shoot the release. The event was delayed slightly as the team was busy shooting footage at the ISIS news center at nearby OpsStudios having to re-do several takes of beheadings “which are always tricky”, as one cameraman explained.
But the delay didn’t dampen the exuberance of the announcement.
“We just felt it was time to streamline our operation,” said co-developer Mike Cloak from the innovative programming team of Cloak and Dagger. “We know especially young people as well as an increasing number of older folks look more to social media now and we need to keep up with the times.” Co-inventor Dick Dagger added, “Frankly, consolidating what we termed the “drip technique” of the past into one platform just seemed to make sense. Now there will be a literal torrent of bullshit to keep everyone thoroughly confused and distracted from what’s really going on.”
Everyone attending was thrilled with this forthright breath of foul air.
“Take for example the FCC sidestep on not taking action against ISIS websites. That’s messy stuff where people might start to connect the dots and begin to realize ISIS is our creation. We can’t have that. So here at TRIPE we’ll refry, condense, freeze dry and repackage that news in a form we can fully control,” Dagger added. “The potential applications are enormous!”
“You can even video chat and continue your radio shows via one of our designated arbiters who will insure your safe and sanitized listening!” exclaimed the exuberant Dagger.
“Be sure to give TRIPE a try. It’s a one stop dump you won’t want to miss!” enjoined Cloak excitedly. “You’ll never go back to having to sift through garbage or sewage for something to swallow. It will all be in one, big heaping pile!”
You have to admit, the government is sure getting honest these days.