Popbitch delivers eulogy on Cilla (not)


I just got this from Popbitch – I thought it might add to our appreciation of Cilla.
(Sorry about some of the language – it’s not very Tap-like, but it is funny).

Cilla Black always claimed she wanted to remembered first and foremost as a singer, not as a TV presenter. But to reduce her career to just those two options is to do the woman a great disservice. She was a true polymath, and it is our honour and privilege to recount some of her other great achievements.
Known – and feared – throughout the cabin crew community, Cilla Black’s in-flight attitude is the stuff of legend.

Not only would she insist upon travelling first class, she’d demand seat 1A. That was only the first of many demands too – all of which were made through her PA, as Cilla didn’t want to speak to any staff herself. The full nine yards too, not so much as a please or thank you.

One flight attendant eventually grew so tired of her behaviour, that he leaned over to speak directly to her and uttered the immortal line: “I knew you couldn’t sing, but I didn’t know you couldn’t fucking speak”.
Cilla, The Golf Course Designer

Many years ago, Cilla bought a house bordering the fancy Denham Golf Club in Buckinghamshire. Despite her garden obviously bordering one of the club’s fairways when she purchased it, for years after moving in Cilla would frequently complain to the club and harangue golfers if they accidentally shanked a ball over the fence into her massive garden.

She even went as far as demanding that the club restructure the fairway to steer it away from her property. Needless to say, after a while, regulars at the club would intentionally hit a mulligan into her garden to spite her.

After many years of living there, realising she was onto a losing thing, she gave up complaining and submitted an application for membership to the club for her and her long-suffering husband.

It was met with a very prompt “fuck off” from the typically polite club secretary at the time.
Cilla, The Tough Boss

You may have wondered – what with all the glowing tributes to her immediately after her death – how it could be that someone apparently so cherished and loved could get so little telly work in her later years.

Ageism? Possibly. Changing tastes in light entertainment? Quite probably. But the main reason was that one of the top bods at ITV very determinedly blackballed each and every attempt that Cilla made to get on screen.

Why the personal vendetta? Because the exec in question started out as a runner. On Blind Date.

One early task was to fetch Cilla some salmon sandwiches for her and some guests. The runner got the nicest smoked salmon sarnies they could find. But all they got for their efforts was a bollocking from Cilla in front of her guests as she only liked tinned salmon, not smoked.
Cilla, The Disabled Toilet User

One of the unspoken perks of being a celebrity is that you get to use the disabled toilets, and the very worst that anyone will do is tip off a weekly gossip newsletter.

It happened at Wimbledon a few years back. A gentleman in a wheelchair found himself waiting patiently to use the disabled facilities (not knowing that it was a non-disabled occupant was in there) finishing her business.

You can imagine his shock when the lock clicked back and – surprise, surprise – out stepped the entirely able-bodied… Cilla Black!
Cilla, The Kleptomaniac

As far as celebrity riders go, Cilla Black had one of the most consistent. Wherever she went, she demanded champagne and two glasses. She never left the glasses behind though, she always took them home. A thrifty move, as when she hosted a big party at home she didn’t need to hire glasses because she had a collection of around 300 Granada flutes.
Cilla, The Shopper

Cilla would do most of her weekly shopping at a small grocery store called Fishers in Gerrards Cross. Despite there only being three check-out counters in the tiny store, when Cilla had finished her weekly shop she would, without fail, refuse to line up at an open counter even if there was only one person in front of her.

Instead, she would go and stand in front of one of the unmanned counters until someone opened it up especially for her. True to form, she would never speak to the staff to request it, just stand there staring daggers until someone did so.
Cilla, The Astronomer

The moon landing was the first time ITV officially beat the BBC’s ratings on a joint broadcast. One of ITV’s expert co-presenter? Cilla Black.
Cilla, The Intercity Commuter

When ITV’s flagship daytime programme This Morning was based out of Liverpool, Cilla would make appearances on the show to plug Blind Date or Surprise Surprise.

And why not? It would be easy to get a local girl on, wouldn’t it? Erm, not quite… She would always demand a chauffeur-driven car to bring her up from London on the morning of the show as she didn’t want to be in Liverpool the night before.

Which is fine for a one-off – but a very similar thing happened when she did a panto season in Liverpool.
Cilla, Showbiz Royalty

First off, in the interests of balance, we should say that Cilla did have a couple of friends from the world of old-school showbusiness. (She referred to Christopher Biggins and Paul O’Grady as her ‘good fairy’ and ‘bad fairy’, respectively. Lionel Blair also had a metric ton of eulogy to deliver on the Sunday that news broke.)


You may not know the Patton Brothers, but they are the real-life brothers of the Chuckle Brothers. They have a reputation in the business for being consummate professionals. Unanimously described as being hard-working, mild-mannered and excellently disciplined, they are never anything less than gentlemen and they famously refuse to tell tales on anyone or say anything snide about any of the people they’ve ever worked with.

Except for Cilla Black, that is – for whom they make a special exception. They described her, simply, as being “a cunt”.

Sent in to comments by a fellow contributor.



19 Responses to “Popbitch delivers eulogy on Cilla (not)”

  1. ferryt says:

    Last piece by the Chuckle Brothers made me laugh.

    Reminded me of Peter Cook day describing how to address a letter to the head of the BBC:


    Should still work I reckon.

  2. Lynn says:

    Not so much working class then .. Act like a lady get treated like a lady etc. Like I read somewhere the celeb status is royalty,red carpets and royalties etc. The true Cilla was a hard faced one alright. Will she be buried in a C of E church then or like Liz Taylor be sneaked off on the day to a different shall we say church. Watch this space..

    • ferryt says:

      I found the reports on her cause of death totally unbelievable. They changed the story. Always a tell tale. And I gorra say if her son(s?) were in the house well why would her door be locked for a siesta and how come she had bruised arms (anything to cause this would be audible to her son(s) in the house villa whatever).

      Where do these f***** end up? I mean it can’t be much fun.

    • Liz Taylor sneaked off to a different church? Are you saying Liz Taylor was some kind of Satanist or kabbalist? Did Liz partake in bad things?
      I never suspected this. Theres a youtube clip somewhere showing about 1996 or thereabouts..
      Michael Jackson must have been (it might have been a process going on years starting earlier)
      he must have been waking up from his MK Ultra programming. It is said , this isn’t just clinical mind control hypnosis brainwashing psychology techniques.

      It is said, theres a whole, real, paranormal/supernatural aspect to the MKUltra mind control thing. It is said, that ‘entities’, which im sure are demonic, enter into the persons head and ‘guard’ a certain alter personality programming that gets created.

      Therefore, this provides some more context to all the strange associations on Aangirfan etc, how come theres all this Satanism black magic going on in these apparently clinical settings. They seem to be paranormal spiritual technologies of mind control and personaliuty splitting.

      And this shines some very revealing light on the strange phenomena that when a certain ‘Alter’ is brought forth by a handler using keywords/codes…..that Alter Personality takes on diabtese for example, and all the blood pressure and cholesterol profile and any other peculiar health blood result readings or any other health issues/symptoms.

      Change the Alter, then that one might be deaf or have hearing troubles. Switch to another Alter, it might be super intelligent, or great at maths.

      This fucking bizarre state of affairs can only be accounted for, in my perception, as some kind of Spiritual entity work.

      Whats my point with all this?

      Michael Jackson in his 1996 video dancing in an alleyway in the rain, had lots of symbolism showing he was rejecting the satanic illuminati hold over him. Blessing himself with water. A hotel sign crashing to the floor was symbolic, I think the name was ‘royal’ that had some symbolic meaning. All to show some kind of exorcism happening

      My point is he was a close friend of Liz Taylor. Maybe she also rejected the satanic illuminati before she died?

      And the other bizarre thing, could Cilla Black also have been involved in things like this? She was never a person I ever warmed to, esp late in life, something odd about her, some big secrets kept in, I sensed. I could be wrong

  3. sovereigntea says:

    Is there a mockingbird in the stage name ?

    Black propaganda is false information and material that purports to be from a source on one side of a conflict, but is actually from the opposing side. It is typically used to vilify, embarrass or misrepresent the enemy.

  4. Dublinmick says:

    Funny stuff.
    I suppose we all have some similar stories. I once in my early twenties worked for a Jewess.

    We basically despised each other. Once when Israel appeared to be losing the six day war, she walked in the office and looked over my shoulder very rudely to see what I was reading. Well I said you know it doesn’t look like your boys are doing to well.

    She said don’t worry about it, just give them a couple of weeks, how can you lose when God is driving the tanks.

    She hated me and the Syrian who worked with me. I am a southern boy married to a German. The Syrian had a psychology degree from Florida Stat. At times I would ask him a policy question and he would say “short term memory huh”. He was one of the funniest guys I have ever met.

    At times she would walk by us and out of distance he would put his thumbs on his temples and say “oh channel of the ancient one”!

  5. Dublinmick says:

    You boys have me going.

    Anyway this Syrian (we were investigating welfare fraud) as “experienced social workers”!

    This Syrian had a large picture behind his desk of Jimi Hendrix wearing a bucksin vest sitting on a pinto horse, sort of leaning to side like he was stone.

    The caption read “are you experienced”.

    He would sit there reading a case file where a woman had been on welfare for 20 years and had 10 kids, all the time patting his foot and singing … “Papa was a rolling stone, where he hung his hat was home!”

    His supervisor never saw the humor in that.

    One day we were going across the street to buy some Krystal fried chicken. The jewess said get me a box of that and handed me the money. I said … well you know this stuff is not kosher. She said don’t worry about it, just get the damn chicken!

    • ferryt says:

      Haha. I might use that one if you don’t mind.

      ‘Just get the damned chicken!’

      I’m already perceived as mad. Haha. It will make me chuckle any road.

  6. ian says:

    Cilla would have made a great pal for Killery, Think of the mayhem they could have caused for staff everywhere they went. What a pair of c***s.

    • ferryt says:

      I need a good collective noun Ian.

      A cabal of c****?


      • Jennifer says:

        A covern of ………..?

      • ian says:

        To be honest ferryt, the c word is a word that many find objectionable, however if it’s reserved for these kind of folks, then few will be concerned. I think the offering from yourself and jennifer have as nice a ring to them as these people deserve. Coven is nice, I just visualised Killery and Cillery sitting sucking half lemons, just to get the face on for the ordinary working folks. a bucket between them half full of already sucked dry halfs.

      • ian says:

        on saying that you could call it a Cilla of c***s. Has a ring with it.

  7. ferryt says:

    I think a humour tab dropbox or somethingwould be good on tap.

    This image made me laugh:


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